How to learn successful marriage tips from India
79Lord Rama and Sita
Globally, marital discords and divorces continue to be on the rise and there have always been questions whether there could be a better alternative to a man-woman relationship other than a formal marriage. However no human society has ever found a better alternative to the institution of marriage.
It is obvious that there is nothing fundamentally wrong in the arrangement of marriage, but it is only the attitude of people towards the time-tested bondage that has created problems to the institution.
In countries like India, unlike the western society, marriages continue to hold the traditional reverence and despite the onslaught of globalization and the resulting cross currents of cultural invasions, marriages are far more successful in India and divorce rates are far fewer than in any other developed country.
We can definitely take some clues from the Indian culture on how to ensure a lasting marital relationship. Be forewarned that some of the ideas discussed here may look archaic and unpalatable to feminists in particular.
1. The woman's primary role as a mother and a home maker
Indian culture has had its ups and downs in its vast history on the status of a woman (right from child marriage, sati, denial of education etc, to the present level of giving equal opportunities to women in education, employment, national governance, police and even in armed forces). But, even today, in the mindsets of people including a vast majority of educated and career oriented women, the woman's primary and most respected role is motherhood and her predominant role in society is as a protector and nurturer of the household and family relationships.
Parents, grand parents, in-laws, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces -- the Indian culture revolves around relationships rather than friendships. A woman acts as the binding force between all the individuals related to the family. So, in India, it is said that when a man marries, he just marries a woman, whereas a woman marries a family.
A woman, even if she is looked at as a sex object before marriage, transforms to a venerable mother once she gets married and bears a child. Even in today's transformed culture of nucleus families where selfishness is gradually becoming a virtue, the Indian society gives the greatest respect to a married woman who never breaks families and who ensures cordial relationship with all her in-laws and other relatives.
When it comes to ensuring cordiality of relationship and welfare of children, lots of Indian women still opt to become stay-at-home moms, giving top-most priority to home rather than their careers.
2. Getting married at the most appropriate age
Even though man and woman attain majority at the age of 18, in well educated and cultured families in India, the woman gets married above 20 years and the man, above 25 years. It is at this age that both men and woman understand the institution of marriage better and are mature enough to face the challenges of running a family.
3. Ensuring adequate age difference between husband and wife
As most of the marriages in India are still arranged marriages, parents generally look for an age difference of 3 to 6 years, the boy obviously being elder. In some stray cases, age differences of even 8 to 10 years too are accepted. There is a very sound logic in this preference.
A girl attains puberty at about 12 to 14 years whereas a boy attains it at 14 to 17 years of age. There is a proportionate difference in their mental maturities too. Qualities like judging people, sense of responsibility towards one's own life and that of those dependent on oneself, firming up of clear ideas about one's needs, wants, ambitions etc are reasonably well developed in a woman at about 21 years.
On the other hand, a man of equal age is far more boyish, carefree and is afraid of getting into commitments and taking up responsibility. An unbridled life of freedom looks to be far more attractive to a man at that age. A man gets to grasp the importance and the responsibilities of a disciplined married life mostly above the age of 26.
Thus when a woman of 21 marries a man 4 to 5 years elder to her, the mental maturity level between them fairly matches and they will be in a better position to adjust with each other.
Fundamentally, a man, deservedly or undeservedly expects his wife to treat him as more than an equal partner. When a decent age difference exists, the woman tends to show him more respect than if he were to be of equal age to her. This psychological nuance helps in a significant way in bringing cordiality in relationship.
A woman attains menopause anywhere between her 45th to 50th age. After menopause, women drastically lose interest in sex. On the other hand, a man's sexually virile age may extend even up to his 60 years of age. Man at around 40th of age tends to get a revived vigor in sexual cravings and a co-operative, young and a willing partner at home helps in preventing him from going astray.
4. Ensuring cultural compatibility
Basic human tendency is to feel comfortable and be at ease with people of their own religion, language, clan, color, sect/ sub-sect, food habits, cultural practices etc. In India, this comes through the caste system. Mostly parents insist on getting their children married within their castes or with sub-sects compatible to each other.
In India, religion plays a very powerful role in every day life. Love marriages, cutting across religious, cultural and caste barriers do not mostly succeed in India. Even highly educated people who consider themselves modern, have their sentiments deeply attached such things, even though they may deny it outwardly.
Since family relationship is a predominant factor in social relationships, arranged marriages, with a large parental influence and with due concurrence with the man and woman to be wedded, are highly successful in India when compared to love marriages where families have been sidelined.
5. Ensuring chastity of the man and woman
In Indian culture, chastity of man and woman before marriage is considered very important and sacred. Even in today's highly loosened morality aided and abetted by the onslaught of globalization and westernization, a vast majority of marriages in India do take place between chaste men and women. And that's one of the reasons why Indian culture and family structure remains intact across centuries.
6. Ensuring compatibility of horoscopes
In many Indian social segments, marriages are arranged after checking the compatibility of the horoscopes of the man and woman under wedlock. There is an increased resistance from younger generation to this practice; but let's see the reality. Marital failures do happen, whether arranged marriages or love marriages. But since a vast majority of arranged marriages, done by checking the compatibility of horoscopes, is able to remain intact, despite skirmishes and petty fights between husbands and wives, there is lot of scope in believing that this age old practice does have validity.
7. Developing lifelong commitment to marriage
In India, marriage is considered a sacred relationship, meant for life long togetherness. No marriage is ever experimented with an idea like "if something does not work out, we shall get separated without any qualms and look for an alternative relationship".
Again, in line with global trend in India too, utter selfishness, excessive egotism and high degree of impatience have started playing havoc in several marriages. But if you consider a vast majority again, the commitment to the sanctity of marriage is very strong.
8. Giving top most priority to the well-being of the children
Despite the burgeoning population, Indian's love for children is very strong. The arrival of a baby in the family is always a celebration that brings disgruntled people together. A baby cures several wounds in marital disharmony. Parents not seeing eye to eye with each other continue to live together in marital bond, purely for the sake of happiness and well being of the children. And wonderfully, this singular decision brings back fresh lease of life to the dying marital relationship in many cases.
The Indian society, despite the presence of a large number of well educated and independent-thinking women in the society, still does not treat a divorcee too gently. A divorced woman, rightly or wrongly, is somehow looked down upon as someone who is has not learned the art of adjustment, and give-and-take so essential in marriage. A divorcee getting re-married is still an uphill task, though changes are coming in this aspect gradually in Indian society.
To conclude...
The cultural glory of a country or a society is very strongly linked to the stability of marriages and relationships. A stable marriage ensures a cultured upbringing of children; Stable marriage is an indicator of peace, tolerance,harmony, unselfishness and stability in the society. Indians may still be economically backward when compared to people in western countries but, Indian culture has got certain very precious and noble things to showcase to the outer world. The Indian marriage institution is one of them.
Related reading from hubber countrywoman : The significance of Hindu Marriage
Swami Vivekananda said to Sister Nivedita
"Social life in the West is like a peal of laughter but underneath it is a wail. It ends in a sob. Here in India, it is sad and gloomy on the surface but underneath are carelessness and merriment. The West has so much to learn from the East and vice-versa. The future has to be shaped by a proper fusion of the two ideals."
Do you think the Indian model of mariage and relationship is quite good?
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You are quite right. I was talking very repeatedly about "the vast majority"
India culture has still a lot more going for it. Young people rebel and look at the west. Indian people still have a lot of family around them and that is a good thing. I wish the young people wouldn't through it away altogether. I am not saying Indian culture is perfect but it still has a lot of togetherness which helps in trouble. Thank you for your well written hub.
I have thought about this a lot because I have many Indian friends and for years have been a devotee of Amma and had more contact with Indian culture than lots of westerners. From what I've seen, most Indian marriages seem much happier and more stable than lots of western marriages and I do think that has to do with the cultural values - the strength of the family bond and love of children and the devotion to family life is exceptional among my Indian friends. Also, the families stick together and no one is left alone in a crisis! There is a lot of good here and I actually feel a bit jealous sometimes I'm not Indian. That said, there is also a downside such as, women trapped in abusive marriages and problems with in-laws that create a lot of unhappiness. But, my own experience is the Indian couples I know have a much deeper understanding of the importance of staying a family to raise children and are among the most loving parents on the planet. Indian children are also among the best behaved when I'm at Amma's program - sitting with parents all the time without acting up like the western kids do - they are playing with toys or in their parents arms and are really happy - it is wonderful to watch! I am a reincarnated Indian so I guess I'm a bit bias!
Hi Kartika,
Since you have seen both sides of the world, your words carry lots of weightage. Infact, what I thought about you, you have mentioned in the last sentence!
Thanks a lot for your valuable comments.
CVR
Thanks! I am never happier than when sitting at Amma's program listening to tabla and the swami's beautiful bhajans!
Happy to be your fan! Kartika
Good inking of the indian thoughts. Continue your good work.
My parents got divorced when i was 15yrs old. I was sacred of marriage always. Soon i met this indian guy. He is sweet,caring,honest,loyal,faithful. I say he has every good quality. We hav 2sweet kids now. I am happy that i am married to indian guy. Indian guys r really caring and loyal. They wil never betray u for other women. I am happily married :)
I am only child to my parents. I always worry who wil tak cre of my parents. I met this guy got married 15yrs ago. He took care of my parents wel. They are in heaven and watching us. Main difference in indian marriage is that our elders are involved in it. Other thing is that our society is different from other societies like US, AUSTRALIA, JAPAN etc.Indian men give preference to their kids. If there is probs going in marriage couples didnt leave each other. Proudly say i am INDIAN. I think u all agree with that fact
The reason why divorce rates are lower may be because its a social taboo to be divorced. The myth of women's empowerment in India is restricted only to the elite urban middle and upper middle class. Uninformed and unidimensional opinions such as this only serve to increase the hypocrisy and inherent jingoism that hinders true progress in this remarkable country. Open your eyes and see the beaten, burning, abused women. Open them and see the men incapable of handling the tremendous imbalance of privilege, and acting out their repression in terrible ways. Then you'll really love India.
Shreya,
I think we have difference of opinion in what is "true progress"! Western model of progress? Sorry. That has lots of limitations. When it comes to peace and spirituality, westerners are turning to India for alternative solutions now.
I appreciate the 'peace and spirituality' argument. But can you make a logical connection between this and the patriarchal marital system in question similar to that which used to exist in the rest of the world anyway?
Also, you didn't address Shreya's point on why divorce rates are low. If she is right, are you happy with your perspective on "true progress"?
Kris,
The Indian system allows freedom within certain boundaries. It is true that the freedom is more curtailed for woman in the patriarchal society. I am old enough to believe that it is justifiably so.
Woman live more in emotional plane and they suffer more if they are to exercise freedom at their whims of emotional swings.
Shreya says "Open your eyes and see the beaten, burning, abused women. Open them and see the men incapable of handling the tremendous imbalance of privilege, and acting out their repression in terrible ways."
But certain ground realities in the west lead us to believe that "beating, burning and abusing women" need not be to do with the so called enslavement of women in marriage!
Please have a look at this:
Hello, I fell in love with an Indian man about two years ago. He warned me that he may have go into an arranged marriage. Our bond of love and passion was extremely strong. I was living in Micronesia for a few months and came back to be with him. Shortly afterwards, eight months later after having a long distance relationship, he left me on Christmas to go to India for an arranged marriage. "Arranged Love"?? I was so heartbroken that I didn't eat or sleep well for over a month. I am finally at the point of moving on but still heartbroken.
The secret of India is that they have arranged marriages except the only difference is, is that the man and women get introduced to each other by the parents. At the end it matters whether they want to get married together or not. They r not forced to. The parents just suggest. And believe me, I know. I'm an Indian myself. My whole ENTIRE family is from India. And I know about this arranged marriage thing because that's how my parents got married. They have been living happily together for 17 years. They are not like what some of u guys think. U guys think they r still in marriage because they dont talk to each other and they live separately but r still married. That's not true. My mom and dad joke around constantly. Yes they have their arguments but our true secret is, is that we let go of things and don't let them bother us. If my mom doesn't like one little thing about my dad, she let's it go. Vica versa. That's the real secret. Once again, I am an actually Indian and this is how my mom and dad got married so trust me. My family is PURE Indian. That's another reason why r marriages work- we get married to our own religion. Well hoped that helped!!!
I love indian way and style of marriage
i have an indian bf and as of now I'm having a great relationship with him..We had some arguments and there are lots of differences between us because we live in a two different countries but this did not hinder us to continue loving and show respect to each other..me too, has been afraid in getting into serious relationship because i have witnessed broken marriages and relationships. But through him, i come to realize that there's still a guy who are loyal to their partner. who can love me till we grow old..I admire indian values specially their loyalty and faithful to their partner to keep their relationship despite the obstacles they've been through..i salute u guys..keep it up..don't let modernization influence your great beliefs and values.
hi janefer and stella,
this is true that indian culture drive a valurnble system of marriage of life. and this is also fact that any relationship has a great impect of economical conditions , if u r rich or well maintained its less chance for a break, and if u r in moneytory crises there are more chances for break, though exceptions are every where, but useally i found this,i know that in west side u hv everything in life but not a big heart to give a little space for some one , in indipendant socity u guys have too much individualism so that as a result of there are rare chance to dedicate for anyone. this is the thing u need to rectify, but one thing which i admire in u guys that u are more straight and true than avg. indian in terms of many things expect relationship. i too have a dream to marry a western girl, but i know some facts are there i have to accepts ,and if any western girl who came in my life i m sure she will be lucky most to have a complete and loyal man in her life if she took this relationship forever, actully we indian man know the art of livings and true happines , and so many things to deal things , and most important 'the summery of human life' which enable them to see the right direction for a right deciesion.its too much to say but i am not a blogger and co-insidantantly here, and i can speak but cant write without anybody in front.so can cont me sanjeev 2000 a at g mail dot com, or call 00 nine one -nine dubble eight seven five dubble six one five nine
, there are many indian guys who have fantastic souls and they would never date any other girl outside a relation or marriage even if they have got the worst girlfriend or wife, i am one such guy , if today i love a girl and find that she is not perfect for me and tomorrow if i find another girl who is much more beautiful and a perfect girl for me still i can never leave that girl because we indian guys are one woman's man and we can never cheat our girlfriends until they cheat us , i am a guy of 21 years but i never had a girlfriend and i not even touched any girl in spite of the fact that i got many opportunities to lose my virginity but i never did it because i want a girl who will stay with me till the end of life , but i doubt no girls think like me , but this is the nature of indian guys ,my friends are also like me , we are too much passionate about love and we most trustworthy , it is always difficult to find a real lover in any other country than in india ,but i want to tell one thing that indian girls may be loyal in marriage(may be because of society pressure)but indian girls(majority) are not loyal in love , so indian guys offen suffer , but when a trustworthy western girl marries a oopen minded but loyal indian man that makes the most perfect pair,i am telling it because i saw a lot of men married to women of soviet russia and german woman and their life is like a fairy tale , i never even saw them quarelling for even a single time
Mr. Rajan,
With all due respect sir, please do read a lot more on human relationships and the complexities underlying them. I have seen the harm caused to children who are brought up by parents who have no respect for each other, but stay in the marriage purely out of the social mores and archaic practices similar to which you have prescribed here. I have seen the harm caused to women and men who are caught in loveless, faithless and overbearing marriages simply because they lack the courage and strength to acknowledge the truth. It is true that a lot if Indian cultural values give peace and security as compared to the individualistic and self oriented philosophy of the west, but indian marriages as a treat in business and the 'science', which you so aptly have applied to it, are the root behind a lot of social stigma, prejudices and vindictiveness. I am a woman too and I can myself relate to the joy in relatedness - with family and friends - which comes so naturally to most indian women. But that is hardly the basis to cast Indian women as role models for the adhesive responsible for holding it all together, despite of wear & tear and despite of utter lack of respect.
I believe that an individual's choice to marry or not or to even opt out of a marriage is an intensely personal choice. It is high time that propagandizers of these outdated and male centric social values take a step back and make space for a thinking, feeling and evolving Indian society where difference are allowed and each persons choice is respected as long as it is not causing harm to another.
Such posts make me feel insulted both about being an Indian woman who is single and a contemporary Indian citizen. I hope with careful thought and enough understanding you and people who have similar approaches as you will realize this foolhardiness.
regards.
i like indian tradinal values ..
I married a sikh love marriage and we been together from 2005 tll 2012 we have a 3 yr old son as soon as he got his green card his family told him to leave me to do arranged marriage and abandoned me and my son. he loved me and my son but his family was more important than me. I was a good wife but not goos enough for them 8(
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Fantastic hub, looking forward to come back and see your new posts. Thank you.
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yeah,its being wonderful for me to be an indian,as my life is a fair journey,my dad gives everything to me without asking,each and every moment my parents think of me and my sisters comfortness in every aspects.Coming to arrange marriages,as many westerners think its the one way communication,but is not,I have an example here from my family,my sister is well educated and a corporate employee,when my parents got a proposal to her,the both side families let the boy and girl to communicate each other and they got known very well and were happily married.In my case its bit turning against to my parents as my father has a great desire that he want me to marry his sisters son(son-in-law).All he thinks that his son-in-law is the most appropriate guy to me and i will be in safe hands and Yes he is handsome,well educated,responsible person.But being known to that guy since childhood,i have a kind of dislike to him,although i love him as a family member but not in a different way.When my dad came up to me with that issue,I simply said No,(for no reason,my mom too against with this proposal)he too didnt bother me again with that matter and its great my dad even didnt ask me reasons why i am refusing coz my dad cant even see my difficulty for telling reasons.Majority parents are like this in India.
DancingRedFeather 2 years ago
It is all nice to say but india also has infidelities, divorces, spousal abuse etc as any other race. You may be closing your eyes to the reality.
All cultures when obeying God, the families were tight, were loving, caring, the woman was held in high honor as the giver of life which in my culture, aboriginal, that how it was and still is in the old generation but with the white man coming we have lost alot of our culture, our language our lives.
No culture is better than the other as they all have their cracks in the wall.
India may be good for marriage but not that good..if it was..there wouldn't be incest, rapes, prostitution, homosexualtiy etc etc.